Apple unleashes new apps, Plan B

Doing all that it can to stay ahead of the game, Apple is introducing a slew of new iPhone applications. This comes on the heels of the immediately successful iPad. Having conquered the app world, the iPhone allows users to do everything from drink fake Heinekens to hunt ghosts leaving many users to wonder, what's next? One new app will be the Breathalyzer test. Here users can speak normally into the phone and a censor will detect their blood-alcohol level. Wait three minutes and the BAC number will flash on the screen. If the user is over the limit an array of taxi company numbers will be listed on the phone. Local authorities will also be notified of the users' location via the phone's GPS. Test groups found this to be helpful because the app includes a text message-disabling device. Now drunken texts won't be an issue for people. Representatives from the Facebook group "Texts from Last Night" are enraged. "I like to draw inspiration from my own life," said Steve Jobs, Apple CEO. "One night, George Lucas, Will Ferrell and I went out in Soho for a few. I woke up the next morning in Baltimore next to a Voodoo woman named Phyllis wearing nothing but a poncho." Jobs said when he checked his phone's sent box there were several sexual advances made on Taylor Swift and Robert Pattinson. "I can't be sure, but I think one message involved Shea butter and 'Goodnight Moon,'" he said. When asked about the late-night request for loving, Swift's manager said, "Ms. Swift is just a country girl who wants to write and sing her songs. She doesn't need the seduction routine from Mr. Jobs. Isn't he, like, 80 years old?" Apple is also releasing a more controversial application, which is leaving many critics scratching their heads or tearing their hair out. Either way, not good for the scalp. "It was the next logical step," Jobs said. "At Apple we're all about convenience. This is just one more way we can save people a step; working smarter, not harder." After the announcement of the app, many wonder how it will work. By placing the phone in your front pocket a higher radio frequency is emitted and targets developing embryo cells. It usually takes about a week for it to fully clean house. Apple engineers and software developers have noted some side effects. "Nothing is without its imperfections," said Betsy Flemming-Jenkins, lead software technician for Apple. "During testing, we found phones with the app do cause sterilization in men. Also, because it isn't 100 percent effective, children could be born with deformities. One mother said her daughter was born with a thumb protruding from her shoulder." Pro-life activists, however, have not come out against the application. At the Wisconsin Pro-Life Convention in Rheinlander, Wis., organization members said their attention was better focused elsewhere. Jobs added this application might have to pass through the Food and Drug Administration. "It's just more red tape," he said. "We're not asking people to ingest their phones. We just want to send a little energy into the body." Pending FDA approval, this app should be available by October 2010. The Breathalyzer test will be out in late May of this year.