On Friday, Oct. 10, Wausau, Wis., will hear the first lawsuit case between a man and his bed mattress. The case is not only making state history, but national history as well. The U.S. has only had three previous furniture cases since 1776, and all three cases were dismissed due to purjury as well as lack of ability to extract testimony from the three pieces of furniture, respectively. "There's only so much that this mattress can get away with before man must stand up and just say 'no' to that inanimate object," said Fred Majo, lead prosecutor of Harold Gerard's legal team. "All my client was looking for was a good night's sleep, but, instead, he is put on the receiving end of all of this bulk. My team representing Mr. Gerard will not let this man down." The defendant's legal team chose the location of Wausau's courthouse in an effort to distance the jury from both the plaintiff and defendant. Both legal teams agreed that a Green Bay jury would have difficulty remaining objective, either toward Gerard or his bed. "Originally, we, as in my team, believed that staying in Green Bay would only strengthen our case," said Jack Paulson, lead defense of Gerard's bed's legal team. "There is a strong population of bed supporters in Green Bay, but, we realized that even if the court favored us, treatment and sentencing would not be as balanced as it would be in Wausau. "Even if we won, my client would still be expected to pay a fine in Green Bay," Paulson said. "In Wausau, furniture laws are a little more lenient, and my client could be shipped back home free of charge." With the case so unique and full of gray-area legal issues, the nearest judge to volunteer to oversee the proceedings is from Madison. Judge Lorenzo James has stepped forward to ensure all legal rights are granted to the bed, as well as its owner. "This bed will be judged by 12 of its owner's peers, but by none of its own," said James. "This could become a legal case to be cited for ages. I don't see myself as the man who will dole out verdicts, but to take another step forward to equal rights for all." According to the plaintiff, Gerard, the case is a lawsuit of assault against his bed. "Everyone should have the ability to change a futon from a bed into a couch easily, without having to endure physical pain," he said. "On more than one occasion, my bed had hit me in the face and collapsed on my hands with no remorse." According to Gerard's testimony, the IKEA futon was the only bed held accountable for its actions, rather than attacking IKEA for this isolated incident. "There's no human error in this case," Majo said. "In our eyes, the bed owes payment for the attacks, and must attend an anger management seminar in place of time served. If we sued IKEA for the problems my client is having with one bed, the court system would be flooded with similar cases, most only brought to trial with the hopes of siphoning cash from the corporation with little actual legal dispute between the plaintiffs and IKEA." Charlotte Lindgren, IKEA media relations head, in response to the case has released a statement from the company, despite its actual involvement in the hearing. "We at IKEA hope that Mr. Gerard will come to a balanced agreement with his bed," she said. "We plan on contributing to the bed's legal fees, supporting one of our own, but, at the same time, are keeping our distance rather than stirring up further controversy." During a period in which the plaintiff was asked to submit evidence to the case, very little physical evidence surfaced, but Gerard's testimonies and receipts from chiropractor's visits give him confidence toward a victory over his bed. "In my personal opinion, the bed may not be the only one at fault," said Dr. Huffington, chiropractor and psychiatrist to Gerard. "Harry seems to have a lot of problems stemming from his childhood, including an incident where he caught his parents having sex while he was watching the 'Transformers' animated series. I believe this is one of the reasons why he has such aggressive boundaries around a transformable bed. He has, currently, been against bringing his bed to one of his sessions, but I feel this can all be treated outside of the court system." The bed was unavailable for comment.
Mysterious mattress court case coming clearer
Published: Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Updated: Monday, August 30, 2010 17:08
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