How I learned to love the bombs

The Hollywood bomb, it pops up with every new crop of films. From the minor flop like this season's "9," not necessarily a bad movie, but by no means a hit, to the embarrassment of the never-coulda-been adventure movie "The Battle for Terra." Don't know what that is? Exactly. There were a few bombs in the past decade that had their day as a sort of cultural touchstone for bad cinema, though they might find their stock rise as cult fare as time goes on. Perhaps some movies just didn't have the opportunity to live up to their potential. Maybe they just really, really sucked. However, today's bomb is often tomorrow's ironic camp-fest. Before we go on, let us establish a basis of criteria for what is and is not a bomb. A bomb is a movie that fell well below expectations at the box office. A movie that unexpectedly tanked. For instance, I'm sure that anyone hearing the titles "Son of The Mask" or "Basic Instinct 2" would not have had to see the movie to feel pretty confident in saying they didn't light the world on fire. Whereas a movie like "Speed Racer," which at various times had such illustrious names attached to it as Johnny Depp, Gus Van Sant and J.J. Abrams, could have been a hit but just wasn't. However, there are many different categories of bombs, and rather than smugly dropping random movie references in a snide manner for the remainder of the article, I will now illustrate the various categories using the 90's ample supply of striper movies as my canvas. First of all, there is "Showgirls." A bomb, yes, but so over the top funny, with its it's soap opera acting and faux-grandiose eloquence, it tries to be significant and fails so miserably and hilariously you just can't look away. A prime candidate for cult status. Then there is "Striptease." This movie was a failure because it tried to be funny or campy and came of as just plain lame. Not even a slew of bored Gen-Xers could generate any ironic gravitas for this turkey. Read the book instead. Then there is "Dancing in the Blue Iguana." A highfalutin concept film attempting to seriously look into the life of strippers while also providing an opportunity for improvisation on the actors' part. This movie strives for poignancy but falls just short of that into the worst possible category for any "edgy" movie: mediocrity. There are a precious few movies that will land on the "Showgirls" side of the fence and live on in infamy, while there are a few that will soon enter obscurity as lame mediocrities. Here a few movies whose fate may still be up in the air.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

It was the worst movie of the decade, according to Rotten Tomatoes.com. Hair-brained. Way overly stylized, but if you don't think about things like plot, it's kind of like the movie "Shoot 'em Up," except this movie is trying to be serious. Problem: Ecks and Sever aren't actually fighting each other. That's right, technically they're on the same side and it's all a big misunderstanding. Unfortunately, watching this movie can be better in theory than in practice.

Battlefield Earth

This is it, the nadir of modern cinema. It was a laughing stock upon its release and made Scientology sound even more ridiculous than it already did. However, this movie actually has much to offer civilization. The movie is so bent on being awful you can't help but laugh along with the Psychlos as they ham up the screen in 9 minutes. And yes, it's quotable. This generation's "Plan 9 From Outer Space." The Adventures of Pluto Nash

The crowning achievement of Eddie Murphy's ambitions at completely eclipsing his previous career as a funny comedian/comedic actor with a career that makes Ice Cube and Martin Lawrence look sincere. Even through all of the family crap Murphy put out in the late 90s, we still remembered the wisecracking cop underneath all the Klump. But this was a movie that even over shadow's his best moments on SNL. Cringe inducing, in a bad way.

Gigli

Not as bad as reported in the height of "Bennifer," it's an off-beat movie that can be funny in the same way that Pat Robertson can be funny. However, it does commit one of the cardinal sins of cult cinema: mediocrity. It could have gone for edgy, but instead tried to reach a wider audience. When the main character is kidnapping a mentally handicapped person with a lesbian hit woman, you just aren't meant for mainstream. This movie could have gone all out and had us laughing with it, not at it. But even laughing at it isn't satisfying. "Gigli" is like a puppy whose head is so big it topples over periodically. Cuteness and amusement quickly gives way to pity.

Glitter

Actually not as horrible as it appears to be, but that's kind of like saying that the Rwandan genocide is not as bad as the Holocaust. True, yes, but very misleading. Actually, this movie is on par with "The Bodyguard," it's just very middle of the road. Not a train wreck, yet not interesting outside of a circle of die-hard Mariah Carey fans. At the very least it doesn't deserve to be the de facto music disaster it has been for the past few years, and neither does -

From Justin to Kelly

This one was actually middle of the road in a good way. Quite simply a benign shlockfest appealing to preteens with a thing for curly hair. A throwback to the old beach movies, but without all their credibility. This was by no means a train wreck, but it was neither a hit nor a good movie. It's a commercial tie-in. It's good for what it is, and this goes for "Glitter" as well. However, this sort of undercuts their cult status seeing as how a literal cult seems to be each movies main audience.

Well, those are my rankings/predictions/musing/last chance to make fun of these movies before it becomes tired and lame. However, cult status is nothing to be ashamed of. If a movie's ultimate goal is to entertain, then hasn't "Battlefield Earth" attained that goal? Goodness in a movie can be very subjective, but it's value is not. All of those action movie junkies will get just about as much enjoyment out of "Ballistic" as cinephiles will get out of yet another Bergman festival, and should we fault them for it? I don't know, but it sure is fun to do so.