Fourth Estate - we know more than you

A recent study conducted by the math department at UW-Green Bay has found that the entire staff of the Fourth Estate is incredibly intelligent on all levels compared to students from other organizations and departments. "I couldn't believe my figures, so I ran them again, and again, and one more time for good measure," said Erik Shills, assistant math professor. As communication majors with emphases in journalism, the 4e staff is forced to cover events on all aspects of campus. From a speaker on economic reform to environmental issues to 'Ask the Research Guy,' the staff must be educated on numerous levels. "Although the newspaper staff is comparable to 35 miniature Phil Clampitts, running around, continually improving, getting the scoop, sometimes staffers mess up and are forced to face offensive criticism," said Victoria Goff, 4e faculty adviser. Years ago, the 4e's staff consisted of a rag-tag bunch of pimps and hustlers who barely scraped by. Those days are dead and gone. "When I was an editor I only did it for one semester," said Tony Malvorno, former Opinion section editor. "I mean, break it down. Look at the experience this staff has. The Whelan/Johnson combo has enough combined experience to basically teach a journalism class on its own. They could probably even teach other comm classes." It's no secret that 4e staffers put anywhere from 15-40 hours a week, into the weekly publication, all while having other jobs, tough class loads, and a tendency to drink the night away. A general lack of non-course related reading is partly to blame for the lack of intelligence that plagues 99 percent of the student body. "My favorite book is 'Mr. Toad and Frog make a List'," said Derek Warrington, a senior business major, who currently reads at a fifth grade level. "But no one can touch me on the Xbox 360." Currently, the reading material on 4e Editor-in-Chief Dan Whelan's bookshelf is in a league of its own. "Let's see ... I just finished 'War and Peace' this week," he said, changing fluidly from English to German, Spanish and Dutch. "Next up, I'm tackling an Arabic version of the Quran. I'm also writing a science fiction trilogy, called 'Gerdsnation'. "Part of the equation is that I was an English major, the other part is that blatant ignorance makes me vomit uncontrollably." A surprise on the survey was that the nursing department finished slightly behind the communication majors with emphasis in journalism. "Although those newsies, get the scoop, all while looking immensely beautiful and handsome respectively, we know a thing or two in the nursing department," said Flo Nightygale, a senor nursing major. "After graduation we can find work anywhere in the country and make a decent wage, reporters will probably make under 35 grand, and be forced to work in the Alaskan wilderness." Hannah Johnson, former editor-in-chief, said it's not so bad. "Naturally, my family lived in the wilderness till about 1985, we were forced to leave and seek civilization after my brother started 8,000 acres of Canadian wilderness a blaze," Johnson said. "I don't mind making next to no money and living in a hut in the forest, it just feels like home to me." Regardless of future monetary issues the 4e staff loves what they do and has fun while they do it.