Biden mistakes gentlemen’s club for wax museum

Vice President Joe Biden stirred controversy last weekend during a campaign stop in Green Bay.

Biden had his crew make a pit stop at the Oval Office Gentleman’s Club on Main Street, believing it to be a wax museum of former presidents.

Once inside, witnesses say Biden was either painfully oblivious or having too good of a time to stop. He spent most of the time there handing out money with his face printed on it to the nearest “exhibit” he could find.

“Things got wild really fast,” said dancer Anita Coxx. “Before anybody knew it the vice president was up the on the stage doing hand stands.”

Eventually, the club owner was forced to kick Biden out when the mysterious liquid in his flask, which was later identified as high-grade ethanol, burned a hole in the floor.

Republicans have been quick to criticize Biden for his actions.

Vice presidental candidated Paul Ryan said Biden’s actions were absolutely reprehensible.

Speaker of the House John Boehner called it a gross act of misconduct on Biden’s part.

Newt Gingrich, meanwhile,  said, “That lucky S-O-B!”

While the campaign has released no official statement on the debacle, Biden fielded reporters’ questions by stating, you can’t tame the tiger.

‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ heads to Broadway

The best-selling novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” is getting new life–on Broadway!

The show will open in summer 2013, its producers said. A theater, dates and casting have yet to be set.

E.L. James’s book started out as a tale of “Twilight” fan-fiction that went viral. It tells the story of a doe-eyed college senior named Anastasia Steele and her debonair older boyfriend/stalker/master, Christian Grey. Their on-again, off-again relationship and Grey’s determination to bind, beat and screw Steele every which way has taken the literary world by storm. It has paved the way for a new genre of fiction called “mommy porn” due to the massive amounts of older women who have become obsessed with it.

No official announcement on casting has been made, although the rumor around town is that Daniel Radcliffe will star as Christian Grey.

Radcliffe is no stranger to provocative stage performance. He starred in a revival of the play, “Equus” from 2007 to 2009, where he appeared on stage nude. His experience carrying a celebrated series no doubt makes him a front-runner for this position. However, his young age and the countless number of wand puns associated with such a role could work against him.

Plans to adapt the book have been going on for months.  Original plans for a movie starring Dustin Diamond, best known for his work as Screech on the 1990s show “Saved by the Bell,” fell through after producers realized Screech was not just a nickname.

The musical adaptation will feature an assortment of original songs performed and composed by Randy Newman.

Such songs as “Thinking About (Whipping) You” and “Flog Me Maybe” will explore the twisted psyche of Christian Grey, said Newman.

Other songs like “Tied Up,” “Hurts So Good,” and “Is That a Whip, or Are You Happy to See Me?” delve into Anastasia Steele’s naivety.

This news comes a week after James announced a fourth, holiday-themed book in the series, “Fifty Shades of XXX-Mas.” Pre-orders for the book are already available at bookstores and online.

Zippin Pippin seats too small for heavy passengers

Bay Beach Amusement Park has come under heat for the small seat sizes on its roller coaster, Zippin Pippin, following an incident Sept. 15.

A local bar owner and cheese connoisseur was asked to get off the roller coaster when he was unable to fasten the seat belt all the way around his gut.

After struggling to get out of his seat for 10 minutes, the man left angrily.

Green Bay Individuals Strong For All Types, a local organization supporting the rights of people of all sizes, blasted the amusement park and Mayor Jim Schmitt for not taking the weight of people who live in Green Bay into consideration.

“We are absolutely disgusted by the events that transpired at Bay Beach Amusement Park last weekend,” read an official statement from GBISFAT. “This town more than ever should take those who live in this community into consideration. We are a proud, cheese-eating, beer-guzzling community, and if our bellies stick out under our shirts, so be it.”

Schmitt was quick to respond to the attack from GBISFAT.

“It is not the city of Green Bay’s responsibility to create a fat-friendly environment,” Schmitt said at a press conference Sept. 19. “If local residents want to enjoy using such facilities as Zippin Pippin, a little time on the treadmill wouldn’t hurt.”

The mayor also mentioned the rich history behind Zippin Pippin in his conference.

The roller coaster, originally constructed in the early 1900s in Memphis, became part of an amusement park called Libertyland in the 1970s. The ride was also reported to be a favorite of “The King of Rock and Roll,” singer Elvis Presley.

He would occasionally rent the entire park out to ride Zippin Pippin for hours at a time.

“If Elvis Presley was able to fit in the seats, anybody should be able to fit in them,” Schmitt said.

Following this, the mayor proposed a new city-wide ordinance banning unhealthy food like cheese curds, Twinkies and mayonnaise to combat obesity in Green Bay, an effort similar to New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s ban on extra-large drinks.

Sources say GBISFAT will  meet tonight at Golden Corral to discuss this latest development.

June “Mama” Shannon of TLC’s “Here Comes Honey Boo Boo” will speak at the meeting.

Sheen, Lohan named new ‘American Idol’ judges

After months of speculation, it was confirmed Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan will join Randy Jackson and Mariah Carey at the judges’ table on “American Idol” this year.

With the new season rapidly approaching, sources say Fox Broadcasting executives were desperate to hire new judges as soon as possible.

Charlie Sheen brokered a staggering $100 million per episode deal on the Fox juggernaut. In addition to judging, the deal also grants Sheen the right to uncensored, sexually suggestive remarks at his discretion.

Meanwhile, negotiations with Lohan’s camp went differently.

Lohan agreed to a $10,000 deal for the season, despite asking for upwards of $100,000 per episode. The deal looked dead until Lohan was notified she was behind in payments to her lawyer, her security and her “pharmacist.” Lohan accepted Fox’s offer the next day, though she was able to make one provision, at the suggestion of her mother, Dina.

“In the event that Ms. Lohan is incarcerated, incapacitated or incoherent, her mother, Dina, will take over judging duties for her,” read the official contract.

“American Idol” host Ryan Seacrest had both Sheen and Lohan on his radio show earlier this week to discuss what they are looking forward to about the show.

“I like those chairs that turn around,” said Sheen. “They’re red–like the color of tiger blood.”

Seacrest did not attempt to correct Sheen, perhaps because of his own regrets for resigning with the show, but instead asked Lohan why she is qualified to be a judge.

“I have had tremendous success, not only in the entertainment industry but in the music industry as well,” Lohan said. “As a matter of fact, I am currently recording my third studio album.”

Seacrest sounded afraid to ask about Lohan’s new music venture but did anyway.

She went on to explain her album, titled “21,” will drop next spring. She said such songs as “Set Fire to the Rain” and “Rumor Has It” explore the complicated nature of her past personal relationships.

At this point, Seacrest did not hesitate to call Lohan out for stealing music from Grammy-award winning singer Adele’s album, titled “21.”

A hostile Lohan was quick to defend herself.

“How dare you insinuate that I would steal music from another artist,” Lohan said loudly. “I have never stolen a thing in my life!”

Sources say Lohan stormed out of the studio. Sheen, meanwhile, spent the next 10 minutes asking Seacrest inappropriate questions about female contestants.

Five minutes later, Seacrest tweeted, “Is it May yet? #AmericanIdolProblems.”

“American Idol” enters its 12th season in January 2013.

Chicago students strike for equal rights

The first Chicago teachers’ strike in 25 years has come to an end, however classes will not be resuming any time soon.

Chicago students are waging their own war against the school system. In the midst of the teachers’ strike, Chicago students decided to unionize and announced they, too, were going on a strike.

Jimmy Wilkens, Chicago Students Union president and Louisa May Alcott Elementary School eighth-grader, said the union’s decision to strike was long overdue.

“Students in Chicago have been persecuted long enough,” Wilkens said at a CSU meeting  Sept. 21. “We are fed up with the hostile conditions in which we are expected to learn. If teachers have the right to strike for more money, we deserve an equal right to strike for a better education. We will continue to strike until we are given the same rights that our teachers are given.”

Wilkens cited his seventh grade history teacher, Ms. Sarah Clieburn as an example of Chicago’s failing school system.

“If you are supposed to be teaching seventh grade history, then you should be teaching seventh grade history,” Wilkens said to thunderous applause. “Having students read from a textbook while you check your Match.com profile every five minutes is not teaching. Taking personal phone calls in class is not teaching. Snapping at students with questions because you are a single, middle-aged woman who’s going to spend the rest of her life alone is not teaching.”

He also criticized Chicago Public School officials and the Chicago Teachers Union for their unwillingness to negotiate with the CSU.

“This week, negotiations have begun between the school system and the teachers’ union,” Wilkens said. “They are working together to move to one calendar system for all schools in Chicago. If that doesn’t involve student input, then I don’t know what does.”

Chicago Public School officials responded to Wilkens’ and the CSU’s attacks in a press statement Sept. 24.

“Following this statement, Chicago Public Schools will not respond to the attacks made upon it by the Chicago Students Union,” the statement read. “We will not negotiate with a group of adolescents looking to take a few days off of school. The school system is put in place to educate students, whether they are willing to learn or not. They are legally required to be at school. Any students who do not show up to school will be marked unexcused and will face punishment.”

The statement went on to discuss figures associated with at-risk students. Nearly 25 percent of all students in the public school system in Chicago are considered at-risk. The number of all students who are marked truant more than 10 days per school year has climbed to approximately 21 percent.

CSU Communications Director and fourth-grader Sydney Page dismissed these numbers as irrelevant to the strike.

“Sure, there are some less-than-outstanding students,” Page told reporters late Tuesday afternoon. “But there are some less than outstanding teachers, too. Shouldn’t part of a student’s willingness to be taught be a reflection on teachers? The CSU does not think teachers should be held accountable for every last student’s openness to learn, but they do hold some of the responsibility.”

Page said the CSU’s next step in its efforts for students’ rights is to sit down with Chicago Mayor Rahm Emanuel Oct. 1 to negotiate a resolution.

Green Bay construction part of bigger plan

After a city council meeting in Green Bay on Sept. 24, it was revealed that the reason for so much construction at the same time is to piss off drivers.

Councilman Sandy Nichols confirmed the rumor at the meeting after protestors bombarded the council.

“It’s simple,” Nichols said. “Nobody is going to re-elect us if everything is running smoothly. People like to be pissed off. They like to be challenged. We’re giving the people of Green Bay the opportunity to be pissed off. They should be thanking us.”

He said the city has been working with the Department of Transportation for several years to plan a “Constructapocalypse” in the Green Bay area.

The construction, which began for the most part earlier this year, has taken drivers for quite a spin.

The Mason Street exit on Highway 43, Oneida Street and the Ray Nitschke Memorial Bridge on Main Street are some examples of high traffic areas all under construction at the same time.

But perhaps the centerpiece of this “Constructapocalype” is construction on Highway 41. It has been in works for several years and will not be completed until the early 2020s. While the official statement by the DOT claimed that the highway is expanding its lanes, Dean Griswald, a former high-up executive in the DOT, revealed that it is actually part of a greater attempt to annoy drivers.

“It is the Holy Grail of construction around Green Bay,” Griswald said. “They’ve been planning this for years. After the Packers won the Super Bowl in 2011, they knew it was time to initiate their plans.”

According to Griswald, the construction has been planned to sync with the Packers schedule in order to maximize frustration and inconvenience among highway travelers.

Griswald said it’s no coincidence that it is an election year either.

“Candidates are paying the DOT big money to ensure voters demand change in November,” Griswald said. “I can’t confirm which candidates are doing this, but I can definitely say election results will be a clear reflection on who it is.”

The DOT could not be reached for comment.

Harden renames all campus buildings

It may not take long for UW-Green Bay students to find their way around campus, but learning the names of the campus’s buildings is about to get a lot harder.

Chancellor Thomas Harden and the Council of Trustees announced new initiative Oct. 1 to change the names of all the buildings on campus. The buildings will all be renamed after family members of Dr. David A. Cofrin, a generous, longtime supporter of UWGB.

The decision by Chancellor Harden and the council comes after a recent $10 million donation from the family in remembrance of the late philanthropist.

Two buildings on campus already carry the Cofrin namesake; the David A. Cofrin Library and Mary Ann Cofrin Hall, named after Dr. Cofrin’s wife.

Harden said changing the name of some buildings was not a hard decision.

“Naming all the buildings after Cofrin family members shows our gratitude to this family that has always supported UW-Green Bay,” Harden said. “We couldn’t be happier to honor and preserve the Cofrin legacy on our university’s campus.”

One standout among the new names is that of L.G. Wood Hall. It will be renamed Austin E. Cofrin Hall, in honor of the father of Dr. David A. Cofrin.

“Wood Hall was an easy decision,” Harden said. “We figured since it already houses the College of Business, it may as well take its name too.”

The College of Business was named after Austin E. Cofrin in 2010 to exemplify Cofrin’s entrepreneurial ethic. In the span of 60 years, he turned his small Green Bay paper business, Fort Howard Paper Co., into a worldwide industry leader.

The Environmental Sciences Building will take on the name of John P. Cofrin, brother of Dr. David A. Cofrin and son of Austin E. Cofrin. Harden said it was only fitting the Environmental Science building be dedicated to the man for whom the Cofrin Memorial Arboretum was named.

But then, there are some buildings that have taken to honoring obscure Cofrin family members.

For example, Facilities Management will now be known as the Arnold W. Cofrin Facilities Management Building, named after Dr. David A. Cofrin’s second cousin, a former high school janitor.

And in a very surprising move, all residence halls will take on the name of Rex C. Cofrin, great-grandson of Dr. David A. Cofrin and current freshman at UWGB.

Rex C. Cofrin said having a building named after him was always his dream.

“Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted my name on a building, just like all my relatives,” Rex C. Cofrin said. “But now I get the best deal out of everyone. I get my name on like 20 buildings. Look at me now, Dad!”

Rex C. Cofrin may be one of very few students excited about the name changes. Many students have expressed outrage over the rebranding, calling it unnecessary and a waste of money.

“They should just name it Cofrin University,” said Jules McAvoy, sophomore history major. “This is not how a university should show its appreciation. Can’t we just put up a statue or something?”

Other students have found the changes frustrating.

“It took me a whole year to finally know where I’m going on campus,” said Parker Burkolski, junior art major. “Now I’m going to be confused all over again.”

Despite student protest, Harden said plans are in full motion.

“Changes will go into effect in 2013,” Harden said. “We couldn’t be more excited.”

A full list of name changes will be released next week.

Queen Elizabeth subject of latest Royal family scandal

The British Royal family just can’t catch a break.  Following an embarrassing nude photo scandal involving Prince Harry, and another with Kate Middleton, the Royal family was rocked by some revealing photos yet again – this time of the family matriarch, Queen Elizabeth.

The Queen was swimming, surfing and sunbathing at the Cap d’Agde, Languedoc, a nude beach along the coast of the Mediterranean Sea, when several paparazzi snuck onto the enclosed portion of the beach and snapped photos of her royal hiney.

While the Royal family has issued an arrest warrant for the photographer, that’s the least of the British paparazzi’s problems.

In a speech Oct. 2, Queen Elizabeth remained mum on the topic of her own nude scandal. However, she announced plans to effectively ban tabloid journalism.

“The act of tabloid journalism shall henceforth be an illegal practice across the entire United Kingdom,” the Queen proclaimed in her address. “Anyone suspected of practicing tabloid journalism shall be detained and face a £900 fine…and the next editor that publishes the headline ‘The Royal Beaver’ shall be fed to the Royal Great Danes.”

The Royal family has faced little criticism from the public following the Queen’s ban on tabloid journalism. In fact, many Britons have begun to enlist in the British Armed Forces in order to help with the efforts to ban the tabloids.

“I say, nobody reads those ghastly rumor rags,” said Clifford Worthington, one of many young men enlisting. “I pledge my services to the Queen in the hopes that those wankers get what’s coming to them.”

The Royal family has been a target of the paparazzi for years.

One of the family’s most infamous encounters with the paparazzi was the death of Princess Diana, who was killed in a car crash as she tried to escape photographers.

“It was absolutely horrible what Prince William and Prince Harry have had to go through growing up,” said Royal family friend Madelline Cambridge. “Every single moment of their lives was captured by cameras. And losing their mother the way they did…Children should not have to live their lives under a microscope.”

But despite the Royal Family’s best efforts to end tabloids across the United Kingdom, the paparazzi have gone underground to continue their legacy.

One tabloid, The Moon, has been very vocal about the matter on the Internet. An editorial on the tabloid’s website read: “Here’s a simple solution to the problem at hand: if you do not want to be photographed nude, do not go out in public nude! And quite frankly, we are more astounded by the Queen’s excessive amounts of armpit hair more than the fact that she was naked.”

The Moon’s website was disabled in the United Kingdom shortly after a posting titled “The Family Jewels” appeared on the main page.

The tabloid’s editor, Bradford Chesterton, has since gone missing. Neighbors said they saw two large dogs in the area before Chesterton disappeared.

The Royal family has refused to comment.

Details emerge on replacement referees

Millions of Green Bay Packers fans are still fuming over the final call the replacement referees made in the Sept. 24 game against the Seattle Seahawks.

While the controversial call may have helped expedite the battle between the referees union and the NFL, new details have emerged on how unqualified the replacement referees really were.

According to the website refcheck.com, which lists the referees’ experience officiating games, Wayne Elliott’s resume in particular is shockingly void.

Elliott, the head referee who failed to speak with the crew before signaling a touchdown, is a Texas real estate agent. He has spent two years officiating high school football games and one year as a flag football coach for his 8-year-old son Petey’s team, the Tornadoes.

Elliott called a Texas radio station Sept. 28, telling people they should appreciate what the replacement referees did for the NFL.

“Honestly, people should be thanking us,” Elliott said. “Somebody was going to screw up eventually. Better to do it this early in the season than in the playoffs or even the Super Bowl.”

If Elliott’s words implied how bad the replacement referee situation was, they were nothing compared to what NFL insider Howard Reubens had to say.

Reubens, a long-time NFL executive, had some damaging words about his bosses.

“They were definitely scraping from the bottom of the barrel to replace the referees,” Reubens said. “Nobody was taking them seriously. We figured they’d be back in a week. When we realized how bad it was going to get, it was too late to get qualified referees out on the field.”

Reubens said the NFL had to go to extremes to hire referees with some sort of professional pedigree.

“At one point, we had to put up an ad on Craigslist to hire somebody,” Reubens said. “Of course, we couldn’t be explicit in our request. You wouldn’t believe the number of bi-racial guys who showed up thinking we were looking for sports fans who were half black, half white.”

When the NFL found Joe Clark and Derrick Rhone-Dunn, two of the referees from the Packers vs. Seahawks game, they hired them immediately, despite the fact that they were professional soccer referees.

Perhaps the least experienced referee on the field Sept. 24 was the one who made the final call, Lance Easley. According to refcheck.com, the only experience he has had as a referee was being one for Halloween six years in a row.

The NFL has yet to officially respond to these new details.

Obama suffers defeat at home after first debate

After a less-than-stunning performance at the first presidential debate Oct. 3, President Obama felt the backlash not only from Americans across the nation but at home as well.

Sources inside the White House say Obama’s mild-mannered behavior and lack of motivation have taken a toll on the first family, too.

“It was obvious the next morning in the daily meeting that the president was ornery,” said Jenna Hudson, a White House aide. “He normally has a big smile on his face the morning after a date night with the first lady, but that was not the case last Thursday.”

Randy Jenkins, a White House staffer in the first lady’s office, reaffirmed Hudson’s statements.

“The first lady takes pride in her husband’s achievements,” Jenkins said. “She is proud to have married a winner, and when he loses, she will remind him of that.”

Jenkins said the first lady has grounded the president, just as she does the kids when they get bad grades.

“When Michelle grounds the girls, she takes away the things they most enjoy for a week or two,” Jenkins said. “So since the president has been grounded, he is not allowed to watch TV, eat anything besides fruits and vegetables and he can’t stay up late making pillow forts with Joe Biden.”

But while the first lady is away campaigning, the president and his staff take advantage of their time alone.

“As much as we all love the first lady, sometimes it’s a relief when she is not here,” Hudson said. “The president has a massive Nerf gun collection that we all get to play with. We play capture the flag in the residence, the West Wing — you name it. We just love coming to work on those kinds of days.”

Despite the first lady’s no-nonsense attitude, staffers also credit her for keeping the wheels of the administration turning.

“You know, Michelle can come across as a little brash to some, but in all honesty, it’s a good thing,” said Ryan Marcum, a deputy communication staffer. “She makes sure the president is up in the morning, she keeps his schedule very organized…it’s definitely more of a help than a hindrance.”

The president faces off against Mitt Romney in the second of three presidential debates Oct. 16. Hudson, Jenkins and Marcum said he is working hard to deliver a stronger performance.