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A’viands to lay off UWGB employees

Jared Christman, Off the Wall Editor
December 4, 2012
Filed under Off the Wall

Small changes are ahead for A’viands.

The food service management company announced plans Nov. 29 to fire all current kitchen employees at UW-Green Bay and replace them with house elves.

The news came as a shock to employees, many of whom said they felt betrayed by A’viands.

“I’ve been working for A’viands for six years,” said cook Jerry Garfunkel. “I’ve stayed with this company through everything — my divorce, my chronic gout, everything. This is how they repay me?”

“I don’t know how they could do this to us,” said server Sheila Ward. “We’ve been loyal employees, and they’re just going to pull the rug out from under us to hire house elves?”

The decision to replace the staff with house elves was an easy one, according to A’viands spokesperson Maya Gutierrez.

“We at A’viands appreciate the work and sacrifice that every individual put into our company,” Gutierrez said. “Unfortunately, our company is facing tough times, so we need to cut costs wherever we can.”

Gutierrez went on to explain that using house elves in the kitchen will cut company costs down by 88 percent.

“House elves are known for their hard-working nature, as well as their need to please others,” Gutierrez said. “We at A’viands feel that this slave-centered ideal will be able to save our company money and provide jobs for tens of house elves at the same time.”

According to the deal made by A’viands and forced upon the house elves, the creatures will work 20 hours a day, seven days a week. The house elves are not permitted to be seen by students, but instead should provide food using their elven magic.

One of the benefits for students will be extended hours in the Cloud Commons. Because house elves are able to work long hours, A’viands will keep food service running from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. daily.

And, due to the amount of money the company will save, students can expect a variety of new foods to be introduced to the menu.

“It’s a little weird to think that food will just kind of appear out of nowhere, but I can’t wait for the new changes to take effect,” said senior canine dentistry major Jake Wyerwitz. “My friends and I always have to go to Taco Bell or Tropical Smoothie Cafe late at night to get something to eat, but having something on campus is going to be great.”

Students are not the only ones excited about the upcoming changes. House elves like Tooty, 932, are looking forward to it as well.

“We has nothing but respects for the Mr. A’viands,” Tooty said. “They is telling us what to do, and we need to be told what to do because we is house elves, and they is masters.”

However, some house elves are apprehensive about the transition. House elf free right advocates have been protesting the use of the magical creatures outside the University Union for seven days.

“House elves should not be degraded to clean dishes and cook for students,” said protestor Melanie Burkopski. “They deserve to get paid, have decent hours and benefits, too.”

But according to Tooty, the protestors are nothing but trouble.

“They is creating a hostile environment for us before we is even working,” the diminutive creature said. “If we is going to be able to work for Mr. A’viands effectively, we do not want to hear the mean people say nasty things like give us money.”

According to Gutierrez, the transition will occur at the end of the semester.