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Amidst weather, car accidents skyrocket

Wendy Firestone, Off the Wall Writer
January 30, 2013
Filed under Off the Wall

Many of those who live on campus at UW—Green Bay made the journey back to their residence halls and apartments Jan. 25, 26 and 27. They were met, however, with winter weather advisories.

Snow storms over the weekend presented trouble for a number of families traveling by car. Snow, sleet and freezing rain were to blame for several car accidents this weekend.

Janessa Wenthrope, junior biology major, was involved in one of these weather-related accidents.

“I was just playing Words with Friends on my iPhone 4 when suddenly I hear this screech and  I’m in a ditch,” she said. “I had no idea the weather would be this bad. I couldn’t see anything in front of me except white.”

Wenthrope was behind the wheel of her now-totaled Pontiac Sunfire when ice caused her car to veer off of the highway. “The glare on my iPhone was terrible,” she added.

Thomas Frank, senior English major, was riding back to Green Bay from his family’s home in Union Grove, Wis., when his mother was forced to drive onto the shoulder of the road due to lack of vision.

“I offered to take over driving duties,” Frank said, “but she told me to go back to playing Pokémon.”

“I told him we should have gone up yesterday,” said Frank’s mother, Shannon Reynolds. Reynolds, a recently divorced mother of three, received her driver’s license in September 2012. Despite her son owning a car, she insisted that she take him to campus in the family station wagon.

“I’ve been driving for five years now. I’m 21,” said Frank. “I’m used to Wisconsin winters.”

“This weather has just been terrible,” said Reynolds. “There must be two inches of snow on the road.”

Second amendment aficionados across the state have begun to speak out against the weather on their blogs, claiming that the winter storms are another in a long series of U.S. government ploys to initiate gun control legislature.

“I just know Obama has to do with this crap weather,” said Jeromy Brenton, a self-proclaimed gun enthusiast and employee at a Green Bay sporting goods retailer.

“First they make the weather all bad,” Brenton said, “then they leave the roads in poor conditions and plant some nutjob with a gun on the road.”

Brenton believes it’s only a matter of time before an epidemic of roadside shootings occurs across the Midwest.

“They’ll blame the road rage on a lack of gun control,” Brenton said, “but I’ll know the truth.”

Still others claim the weather is proof Mayan apocalypse theorists were correct.

Shella Raincloud, a Mayan apocalypse enthusiast has been trying to spread the word, going to local bars with fliers advertising patrons’ imminent doom.

“OK, so the world didn’t end in December,” Raincloud said, “but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t end next week. Maybe the calendar was off by a week.”

Raincloud is not alone. Dozens of apocalypse enthusiasts across the country have been dusting off their cutoff jeans and placing fliers in their local grocery stores and gas stations in order to spread awareness of the sinister nature of these winter storms.

“I once asked my friend Carla when she thought ‘Arrested Development’ would come back, and she said it’d happen when the world ended,” Raincloud said, offering further proof of her claim. “It has to be a sign.”

The Fourth Estate attempted to contact John Kusack about these theories. His publicist sent a message. It read, “Please. Stop contacting me. I know nothing about the end of days. I’m an actor. Try Nicholas Cage, or something.”