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Celebrity psychologist awaits newly dejected 2012 patients

Jayce Briton, Off the Wall Writer
January 30, 2013
Filed under Off the Wall

Dr. Julian Dove, a celebrity psychologist in San Francisco,  said  he was already making room on his extremely busy professional calendar for those who experienced fleeting celebrity in 2012.

According to Dove, by this time in the calendar year, a majority of his B-list celebrity patients from 2011 have already exhausted a majority of their funds.

However, due to industry trends and a deficit in public attention, Dove consistently has to turn down troubled public figures.

“This year I’ve got some hard decisions to make,” said Dove.

Rebecca Black, Honey Boo Boo and Lana Del Rey are all reportedly vying for a spot on the doctor’s red plush Ikea couch.

“Lana Del Rey could be a real cash cow for me,” Dove claimed, polishing the Academy Award he received from “Precious” star Gabourey Sidibe as payment for his services. “That woman’s clearly beyond help. I mean, have you heard ‘Born to Die?’”

Dove prefers working with child stars.

“With Rebecca and Honey Boo Boo,” Dove said, “I think it’s still early enough. I could do some real good there.”

Dove lists Taylor Swift as one of his dream clients.

“I figure in a few years, she’ll be hounding me down,” Dove said. “It’s the Dolly Parton effect, if you know what I mean.”

So far as 2012 celebrities he hopes to hear from, Dove has but one request.

“I haven’t yet been approached by Grumpy Cat,” Dove said, “but I’m sure he’ll call. They all call eventually.”