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Bar hosts annual Valentine’s Day party

Colton West, Off the Wall Writer
February 13, 2013
Filed under Off the Wall

Steven’s Bar in downtown Green Bay is preparing for its annual Valentine’s Day party. Valentine’s Day is one of the bar’s busiest and most profitable holidays.

Steven Moldanado, bar owner, said the establishment’s annual event is attended not only by its alcoholic regulars and couples, but depressed singles as well.

“I feel like a doctor on Valentine’s Day,” Moldanado said. “All of these pathetic shmucks self-medicating on Jack and Coke or whiskey. And we’re here to serve them.”

Moldanado says he looks forward to listening to women sob about their low self-esteem while mascara runs down their face, and men talk about how they totally could be having committed sex with some hot girl right now, if they didn’t love being single so much.

“I get some of my best stand-up material from Valentine’s Day,” Moldanado said.

In order to capitalize on the loneliness of singles, Moldanado said he plans to install televisions throughout the bar. Along with footage of happy couples, the bar will be televising the “Married Life” segment from the 2009 Disney-Pixar film “Up” on these televisions.

“Nothing gets lonely people drinking on Valentine’s Day like images of happy couples,” Moldanado said.

Bar patrons are encouraged to post their drunken admissions to former lovers and current crushes on the establishment’s Facebook page. The most pathetic drunken outburst posted will be aired on television during the bar’s Valentine’s Day commercials for next year.

For romantic couples, Steven’s Bar is offering special “romance booths.” The booths can be reserved for $20 in advance or $40 the night of the party.

“To be honest,” Moldanado said, “the only difference is we put a paper rose on the ‘romance booths. If I weren’t painfully alone I’d just write my girl a nice poem and cook her spaghetti.’”

The bar is also offering several premium packages for men looking to attone for their mistakes this Valentine’s Day. The “I’m Sorry I Called You a Cow” special featuring cooked beef heart, the “I’m Sorry I Slept With your Sister” special for three and the “I’m Sorry I’m Breaking Up with You on Valentine’s Day” all-you-can-drink special for one are all available for $120 each.

Local radio and television stations have been airing advertisements promoting the bar’s  specials using such catch phrases as “Remember how lonely you were before you met her? That’s how you’ll feel when she leaves you for another man,” and “Spend money on her or she’ll hate you forever.”

According to Moldanado, the bar’s success on past Valentine’s Days has led him to consider celebrating other holidays as well.

“Sweetest Day is a no-brainer,” Moldanado said. “Just re-do the same stuff we do for Valentine’s Day. But for Christmas next year, I’m thinking of airing ‘It’s a Wonderful Life’ and handing out nooses to the first 20 customers who order a martini.”